Wow yesterday was interesting

So I went to my doctor yesterday to get my prescription refilled and talked about my weight. She asked me what is going on. I said I havent been good to me. i have slacked off and ate alot of all the wrong things. I started crying cause i am just so sad about how i look. i used to be sooo skinny and now after 4 kids it seems like i have just given up. I have been reading a lot of Geneen Roth books and while she has hit a lot of things on the head about why i compulsively over eat. I just don't know how to fix it. she says to let the feelings in and live int eh present. But shit if i let all my feeling in you might as well put in a frickin white coat and send me to a loony bin. I am pretty sure i know what happened each time i gained weight. And at what point i just gave up. well i am here to say I AM NOT GIVING UP OR IN ANYMORE! I will look how i want for myself and for my darling husband. I feel bad that i lost that pretty girl he married. Now I know everyone changes over the years but damn! I have a gym membership that i haven't used in a month cause i am lazy. My house is a mess cause i am lazy. ok maybe not lazy cause i wish it was done. But I have no motivation to get it done. Maybe I am depressed I don't know. My doctor asked me that too was i depressed? I don't know how do you know if you are depressed. I have no energy no motivation and i don't take care of myself. I may come across as a happy person on the outside but i am jsut sad on the inside of who i have become. I am fat I hate being fat but yet i dont do anything to change that. I am disgusted with myself. I just don't even know where to start. I wanna be who i was when my hubby married me. I wanna fit into clothes and not have to make sure i wear clothes that don't show my rolls. I dont wanna my belly to hang down over my privates or have to lift it up to clean under it! how gross is that! my body is just ugly. my doctor gave me great advice on what i should do. Now i just need to follow through. She didn't put me on a strict diet of what i can and cant eat but she did tell me to how many grams of carbs i should eat at each meal. I also need to get to the gym for at least 30 min 5 times a week. With my weird schedule I should be able to figure something out. I was going in teh morning with a dear friend of mine but I am so not a morning person especially when I work late. So i am going to have figure out how to get the gym in the afternoon.

I just started reading Why Weight? A guide to ending complusive eating by Geneen Roth its a workbook type book where you write down feeling and what not as to why you eat and hopefully how to control that. it will be interesting. as i fill out the pages I will try to post it on here to so i can elaborate more. I am so ready to get me back its unreal. I will someday be able to wear form fitting pretty clothes. I will be able to make love to my hubby with out feeling like i am squishing him or have to move my belly roll out of the way! It will happen!! It will start now!!!

OK enough about my craziness!

On a better note Nate's business is starting slow but its coming around! I have worked my ass off to get us out there on the web and advertising. In 6 months it will be a great booming business! we also have a website that my best friend Michelle set up. She did a great job! if ya wanna check it out go to www.nastechpcrepair.com

OK gotta get busy workin on me!!! talk to you later or tomorrow!

Finally relief

Ok so all week has been soo hot here. heat index of 120 for two days a few others at 115 and 118
thank god today was in the 70s. OK so i lied on the details. LOL
I forgot and i dont have time tonight. But i will fill in the story i swear. So i go to my doc to take care of a scraping problem my hubby is having with my hysterectomy. OH yeah that is the best thing ever!!!!!!!!! ok well off to bed, i have been working on advertising all week for my hubbys business tomorrow i actually put it all together to get us more business!!! ok gotta run i hear a little one needs me! ill be back tomorrow i hope LOL

Here is a quick one before bed

Lots to catch up on here i will fill in the details tomorrow. I have missed this blog! I have been writing somethings on spark people. We just finished the 16th round of the biggest loser club on spark people and i have been involved with that since round 8. I have decided to not return for round 17 because my weight loss journey has taken me in a different direction. (will fill more in on that later) I also don't have the time to commit to posting to he BLC everyday. and i am plain sick of tracking and reporting everything!!! OK half a rant off my chest LOL. i will be back tomorrow to rant some more and clue you in on what i have been up to. Later!